Archives

From Lunchmeat Microwaved, Issue 31 - November 2025

Q. I host my family every year, and my holiday tradition is a viewing of my original childhood VHS copy of A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving. But this year, my family is demanding we ditch the VCR and stream it instead "because the picture is cleaner." How do I force my analog ritual on these philistines without ruining the holiday?

Family Loathes Analog Wear

Oh man, FLAW. The horror of this holiday isn't the political argument with your uncle; it's the betrayal of true nostalgia for modern convenience. That VHS is a sacred relic. It holds the magnetic wear and tear that defined your youth, the very flaws that make the memory real. When they demand "clarity" they're not just insulting your VCR; they're insulting the principle of analog nostalgia itself. They want to replace the real deal with a disposable stream of data. It’s treason against your memories, and they must be stopped. But I assume reason won’t prevail.

So the only solution is simple: sabotage the stream. Your VCR and your sacred tape must appear to be the only available option. Change the WiFi password to a 40-character string of random symbols and claim you "forgot" to write it down. Hide the modern tv’s remote in the last place anyone will look, like the bottom of the trash bin. The only way to win the holiday is to eliminate the alternative.

From Lunchmeat Magazine #13 - Q1, 2025

Q. I find myself torn between two worlds as a devoted VHS aficionado. My tapes bring me joy, yet the looming threat of decay haunts me. Friends suggest I convert my physical collection to digital, but I fear losing the essence of what makes analog so special.

Avid Nostalgic Advocate for Legacy O.G.

C’mon, ANAL O.G. First of all, your tapes have survived decades already. They’re not gonna spontaneously combust into magnetic dust overnight. Sure, they degrade over time, and I get wanting to preserve all that radical content, but there's no need to chuck out the baby with the bathwater, man! You can have your tapes and watch them too.

Go ahead and back up the dopest rarities in your collection to a hard-drive. Single out those you can’t find on other formats and those that would be truly lost if the worst were to happen to your physical copies. But don’t you dare trade away your beloved shelves of tapes for a glorified Netflix queue.

Just care for your VHS tapes. Help them live as long a life as you can. Yes, eventually they’ll succumb to the effects old-age, as do we all. That’s no reason to put them out to pasture. What could be sweeter than to grow old together? And when their time one day comes, let it be a dignified death. But don’t send them prematurely into an ethereal existence.

From Lunchmeat Magazine #13 - Q1, 2025

Q. What am I supposed to do now? VHS tapes are like seriously vanishing from all the thrift stores in my area. I used to snag some gems at them, but now they're ditching them altogether. How can I keep up my tape collection without busting my budget on eBay?

VHS Are Not In Shops Here

Listen up, VANISH! No one promised an endless easy ride. As time ticks on, everything worth collecting starts to dwindle and becomes a rare commodity at some point. It pains me to admit it, but good old VHS is entering that era. The days of scoring cheap tapes left and right are fading away faster than you can hit rewind.

But if you are reading this column then I must assume you’re a die-hard tapehead, are you not?? Time to roll up those sleeves and put in the effort. You can still nab some tapes without breaking the bank on those crazy inflated collector's prices online. You just have to try harder, search wider, and get a bit clever about it. We’ve had our time to casually amass our stacks. Now we've gotta work for it. But I assure you, if it's worth the hustle it now takes, those tapes are still out there.

From Lunchmeat Magazine #12 - Spring, 2023

Q. My wife just asked why she married me after catching me smelling a sealed tape that I opened. I can't be the only one that smells new tapes right?..... Right?!

Sniffing Casually Every New Tape

Listen, SCENT, we tapeheads are all weirdos to our normie partners who don’t share our passion for old media. They don’t get it, dude. Of course you’re not the only one who gets off on the intoxicating bouquet of a freshly unsealed videocassette! It’s a glorious fragrance, and more of us should admit to the practice of taking a big ‘ol sniff of it.

But let’s pause on this frame, man. I’m detecting a whiff of embarrassment on your part. You’ve gotta own that shit! What’s more, you’ve gotta share the wealth! Have you at all tried offering your old lady a smell? Instead of just letting her observe your habit like you’re some strange-ass creature on National Geographic, you might do better to let her in on the alluring appeal of the magical magnetic aroma.

Once she inhales the exhilarating VHScent for herself, not only will she finally get it, but you may even “get some”. New-old-stock contains powerful pheromones from physical media past, preserved in that airtight seal and waiting to be unleashed. If they could bottle it, panties would drop everywhere you go! The next time you peel that plastic, waft some over her way. You may be surprised by the results, chum.

From Lunchmeat Magazine #12 - Spring, 2023

Q. Help! I don’t know what to do. I’ve run out of space for my VHS collection and am at the point of constantly rotating out my keeps. Every time I bring home new tapes I have to choose others to get rid of and it’s killing me letting go of them. But I simply don’t have any more room to expand. What can I do?

Can’t Rehome Any More Tapes

I suppose I could give you the benefit of the doubt and presume your place is absolutely overflowing with stacks of tapes piled 7ft high like old newspapers in a crazy hoarder’s abode that you have to navigate through like a corn maze. But somehow I’m doubting this, CRAMPT.

More likely you’ve just filled whatever shelf space you’ve allotted for your collection, right? Or, okay, perhaps they’ve even taken over an entire room. Fine. But I have to ask, are you committed to this relationship or not, man? You have the room if you’re serious about finding it.

You can line your hallway with shelves. You can empty that extra kitchen cabinet that has the china you never actually use. You could make extra space by getting rid of useless things like your exercise bike, houseplants, and least favorite child. And if you still don’t have enough space then it may be time to make the hard sacrifices.

Like going to the laundromat so you can convert your laundry room to house your 80s action collection. Or investing in tv trays so you can turn your dining room into your cosmic horror section. Start sleeping on the couch and erect tape shelves in place of your bed. Start sleeping on the floor and erect tape shelves in place of your couch. When the bathtub is such prime real estate for tape storage, do you really need to shower?

VHS is a needy, greedy mistress. And you have to give her the space to spread her.. uh.. wings.